peanut butter banana milkshakes

the shadow came over this afternoon.
i was busy working on bills.  (and watching "off the map" on hulu)
she was bored.  and she verbalized that a time or two or so.
and so i put my stuff away, and we went out to the deck.  sat there trying to decide what to do.  we decided on milkshakes.  she texted her dad, can she go along to klines?  the answer was yes.  so we went to klines.  got a box of ice cream and some bananas.

as we were driving back, i once again thought, how that the shadow is my kid.  she's the kid i'll never have.

for as much as i fought her company back when i first moved, i would really miss her.  for as much as she annoyed me with her constantly being underfoot, she's turned into mine.  she belongs to me.  and i'm guessing she wouldn't say the same, and her dad and gram wouldn't say the same, but i say it.

they allowed me to take her along to sight and sound with karen on friday.  in fact, i took her and another niece with me.  it  meant that i didn't get the time with karen that either of us wanted.  and that spites me a bit.  but on the other hand, it means a lot to me that folks trust me with their kids like that.

so we came back, made banana peanut butter milkshakes.  i put too much peanut butter in. i could have done with only half the peanut butter.  but it was good.  and she enjoyed it.


i think maybe i'm starting to come up out of my grave now.  this past month has been easier, has been brighter, than the past several were, and esp may and june.  maybe.  i still think may 9.  june july aug 9.  it's been 3 months already.  and i tear up.  i've realized that i refuse to go past the grave yard.  i used to travel front mountain rd to wills rd to 655 past the cemetery.  not any more.  i'll take one of the many other ways to get to where i'm going.  

didn't go to church today.  i have no desire to go to church anymore.  been a long time.  long time.