neighbors.

4. my neighbors. they take care of me.  they mow my grass.  they let me me use their porch as a haven in a time of distress.  they invite me over to spend the night in the ac in the middle of a heat wave.  i've got really good neighbors.

5. the shadow. she's my part time kid.  she doesn't know it.  her dad doesn't know it.  but she's the kid i'll never have.  maybe someday i'll tell her that.  after she's grown up more.  not now.

6. the internet. i've become accustomed to the net.  more like addicted, i suppose.  i think i'd go into withdrawal if i had to give it up.

the starts

1.  kc.  i'm thankful for kc.  he shows me acceptance.  he shows me love.  he needs to be where i am.  it is so very nice to have something waiting for me when i get home.

2.  my job.  i have a job.  some folks these days don't have a job, and can't find one.  i've got 2 things i can fall back on should i happen to lose my job.  lpn, and paramedic.  both of them pretty much guarantee me a job.

3.  PALS is recerted for another 2 years.  i'm glad to have that out of the way.

so that's the starts of my challenge to myself.  i'm not feeling very thankful today.  not in the least.  and it's obvious.

count your blessings

I was on my way to work this morning, and this song came on.  I listened to the first 2 lines, and for some odd reason, it didn't connect what the song actually was until it got to the 3rd line.  By that time, i knew i had to listen to the whole song.

I've been quite depressed lately.  Ever since the 23rd when the stuffing was ripped out from under me again.  I had been doing much better. Things were looking up.  But on the 23rd i was given some news that makes me feel like, why even bother.  It doesn't matter.  And i find myself tearing up for no reason at all.

So my challenge to myself is to create a listing of blessings.   Every day, i need to add more to the list.

Count Your Many Blessings 

1. When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,

When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings; name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

[Chorus]

Count your blessings;

Name them one by one.

Count your blessings;

See what God hath done.

Count your blessings;

Name them one by one.

Count your many blessings;

See what God hath done.

2. Are you ever burdened with a load of care?

Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?

Count your many blessings; ev’ry doubt will fly,

And you will be singing as the days go by.

3. When you look at others with their lands and gold,

Think that Christ has promised you his wealth untold.

Count your many blessings; money cannot buy

Your reward in heaven nor your home on high.

4. So amid the conflict, whether great or small,

Do not be discouraged; God is over all.

Count your many blessings; angels will attend,

Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

we're all here.

i went to church tonight.  thanks to allen's little prompting.
hannah and josiah rode w me, and when we got there, josiah went w jon, there was no way he was sitting on the ladies side with hannah and me.
and when the rest of them came, becca went to mom and sat w her.

the thought crossed my mind, extended family is so nice.  and the next thought was, we're all here except for daddy.
it wasn't a dry eye thought.

supper tonight.

black raspberry ice cream makes a pretty good supper.
as long as a person isn't concerned about calories and nutrition.

human.

i'm feeling a bit more like a human today, instead of a machine.
instead of a robot that goes to work in the morning,
comes home in time to crawl in bed,
and has little human contact with anyone outside of work.

i went in today, i had to do timecards.
but i left at noon. that was my goal, and i made it.
stopped at the minitmart, got gas in the gas can, and a sandwich.
came upstairs, took a nap.
i should just have laid down and taken a real nap, instead of dozing off, thinking, oh, i need to get up, dozing again, waking up to look at the time, telling myself i need to get up, but then dozing again.
but when i did get up, i felt better.
went outside, and mowed grass for an hour.
my feet turned green.
but it felt so good.
i haven't mowed grass but 3 times this year.
i've not had the time.

started out this spring.  it rained so much, and between work, rain, and going back to dads, i couldn't get to my grass.  bob came over and mowed it for me.  it was the nicest thing he could have done for me.  but then, when work went crazy, i still wasn't able to get to it.  lwd was keeping it mowed.  even the front part which is  normally my job.  today, i got to mow grass.  in my bare feet.  it felt like spring.  and i haven't had a spring or summer this year.  i've been a work machine.  i've been existing.  that's it. this year is going to be the lost year.  the year in a fog.

the shadow came over.  she decided that she wanted to make mac n cheese for us for supper.  so, she went over and made mac n cheese, and i kept mowing until she came back.  we had mac n cheese and pickles for supper.  she doesn't like the church pickles.  which is just fine w me,  it means i don't have to share them.  and she can eat the dill pickles.

so then she took off with lwd and penny, and i did my dishes.  cleaned off the counter, it's visible again.  i did a load of laundry.

i'm in a cleaning mood.  i'm in a pitch stuff out if i haven't used it in so long.  i just hope that mood lasts until the beginning of september when i think i'll have some time off.  i need to clear the weeds from around the house.  i need to do yard work.  it is therapeutic for me, to do yard work.

today was a good day.

saviour breathe an evening blessing

was over at sara n martha's this evening after work.
and towards the end of the evening, davie had a few words, prayer, and asked for a song.
the song was, Savior Breathe an Evening Blessing.
and i promptly got chills.

that's the song that dad asked for one night when everyone was back home, fairly early in the year.  he wanted us to sing that song while everyone was there, before they left.  and it was really hard.  i think beth was the only one who was able to sing the whole thing.  the rest of us just mumbled in and out at intervals.  he had been talking about how he hates the nights, they are so long, and maybe sometime he'll hear the angels sing.

1. Savior, breathe an evening blessing
Ere repose our spirits seal;
Sin and want we come confessing;
Thou canst save and Thou canst heal.

2. Tho’ destruction walk around us,
Tho’ the arrows past us fly,
Angel-guards from Thee surround us;
We are safe if Thou art nigh.

3. Tho’ the night be dark and dreary,
Darkness cannot hide from Thee;
Thou art He, who, never weary,
Watchest where Thy people be.

4. Should swift death this night o’ertake us,
And command us to the tomb,
May the morn in heav’n awake us,
Clad in bright eternal bloom.

busy

one more day, then i get a day off.
missed dorcas' wedding today, because of work.
and i'll be missing sunday dinner at sara and martha's because of work.
maybe i'll make the evening tomorrow
at least i hope so.
i guess we shall see.

memories and tears

so i don't know what to write tonight.
i'm trying to post every day, or nearly every day, as the case may be.
i missed the past few, working nights messes everything up if a person isn't used to it anymore.
so i'm just going to start and see what comes out of my fingers.

worked today, 2 interfacilities and that was the extent of my day.
course, that took up like 8+ hours out of 12.
shawn introduced me to Fuddruckers in hershey.  that was a different experience.  and one that i may very well attempt again.  that was a really good burger.

karen called while we were inside at fuddruckers.  she'd like to go to longwood gardens on tuesday.  and would i like to go along?  unfortunately, i'm working.  next week is packed full of work.  maybe after that, i'll have a bit of a break, but by the middle of september, i'll be losing a full time person, so once again, i'll have to go on the truck to cover shifts.  i'm really really getting tired of that.

i talked to rhonda on im for a bit on the way back from the one trip.  sounds like she and her mom are going to go thru the same thing we did w dad.  and i could feel my eyes start to well up w tears more than once for her.  it's not going to be easy for her.  i just pray that God will give them time to make blessed memories during this time.

pickles

beth canned me some pickles.
the little white church pickles.
i ate half a pint this evening.
they were just pretty good.

rain

i stopped in on the way home this afternoon.

it was trying to rain, but hadn't got it accomplished.

i found that quite fitting, actually.

cold

lonely tonight.
i got back from work, popped a bag of popcorn, and sat on the deck w my laptop.
and then i got up and walked back to elwood's.
was back there for maybe 45 minutes.

i'm glad i have off tomorrow.  i'm ready for a day off.
mom wants me to go back there for sunday dinner.
i guess i will, but i have no desire too.
none.
i should spend more time w her, but i don't want to.
i suppose it's my own fault i'm lonely.  after all, i could be friends w mom.  i could spend time w her.
i guess i'm just too cold.

unsettled

two interfacilities back to back today.
i slept on the way back from one, and was completely antsy on the way back from the other one.
not sure why
sudoku wasn't cutting it.  fb and md on my phone weren't cutting it. napping wasn't cutting it.  talking w the driver wasn't cutting it.  just very unsettled.  so not sure what that was all about.

a letter.

so raymond and sally have an important letter that they need to give to me, face to face, so that they can explain it.
that's fine.
i'm ready for it.
it really makes no difference to me at all.
it hasn't made a bit of difference to me for a long time.

i'm assuming it will be the official cut
bout time, good riddance, i say.

3

may 9
june july august 9

it's impossible that it's been 3 months.  just impossible.

peanut butter banana milkshakes

the shadow came over this afternoon.
i was busy working on bills.  (and watching "off the map" on hulu)
she was bored.  and she verbalized that a time or two or so.
and so i put my stuff away, and we went out to the deck.  sat there trying to decide what to do.  we decided on milkshakes.  she texted her dad, can she go along to klines?  the answer was yes.  so we went to klines.  got a box of ice cream and some bananas.

as we were driving back, i once again thought, how that the shadow is my kid.  she's the kid i'll never have.

for as much as i fought her company back when i first moved, i would really miss her.  for as much as she annoyed me with her constantly being underfoot, she's turned into mine.  she belongs to me.  and i'm guessing she wouldn't say the same, and her dad and gram wouldn't say the same, but i say it.

they allowed me to take her along to sight and sound with karen on friday.  in fact, i took her and another niece with me.  it  meant that i didn't get the time with karen that either of us wanted.  and that spites me a bit.  but on the other hand, it means a lot to me that folks trust me with their kids like that.

so we came back, made banana peanut butter milkshakes.  i put too much peanut butter in. i could have done with only half the peanut butter.  but it was good.  and she enjoyed it.


i think maybe i'm starting to come up out of my grave now.  this past month has been easier, has been brighter, than the past several were, and esp may and june.  maybe.  i still think may 9.  june july aug 9.  it's been 3 months already.  and i tear up.  i've realized that i refuse to go past the grave yard.  i used to travel front mountain rd to wills rd to 655 past the cemetery.  not any more.  i'll take one of the many other ways to get to where i'm going.  

didn't go to church today.  i have no desire to go to church anymore.  been a long time.  long time.

to the river

i need help to get to this point.
it's where i want to be.

rain

it's been a nice steady rain today.
sorta nice.
we've been so hot and so dry for so long, that i've almost forgotten what rain is like.

my life has been so barren lately, that i think i've forgotten what it could be like with some continuous outpouring of friendships and family.


that and my ankle has been really hurting today.  usually that means that some sort of emotional trauma is coming.

tell me again. we did have it good.

my pt and i were talking during the interfacility transfer today.
her dad has lung cancer.  at the time of dx, he was healthy.  other than his cough.
he had two chemo treatments and it affected his brain.  and now he's too sick to have any more treatments or radiation.

every time i hear those stories, the ones that say, treated lung cancer metastasizes into brain cancer quickly, i'm reminded again, that we had it so good.

as hard as it was to accept dad's decision to not treat it, as much as it felt like he didn't even try, that he didn't even try to fight it.  that he just gave up and died, i'm reminded again, that he made the correct decision.
we didn't have to deal with any of that stuff.  he didn't have to loose his dignity, or not much of it.

he was never incontinent.  he was never confused, until the last two days when his spirit was waiting on his body to catch up.  he never got mean.  he was able to talk coherently and tell us what he wanted up till the very end.

i know we had it good.  but it's really hard to convince myself of that, sometimes.

i find it hard to believe that it will soon be 3 months.  the first month was a fog. the 2nd and 3rd months have been working ot all the time.  where has the time gone?  i've hibernated all summer.

knee deep

been listening to the zac brown band this evening.
didn't realize that some of the songs that i've been liking, have all been by this band.
"when you lose yourself, you find the keys to paradise."